Words For When the Healing Has Yet to Come

(This was written back in May, in the early days of my cancer diagnosis when I was already so exhausted from the testing and major life decisions I did not know how I was going to take another step forward. Maybe it will speak to you where you’re at as well.)

 

Sometimes I feel like I cannot

Even reach Your garments.

Other times, as if I am swaddled in them.

Sometimes I feel as though I am crawling

In the dirt

Reaching

Reaching

Reaching

But all I can grab

Are fistfuls of dirt and gravel

Sharp rocks cutting my hands.

They are bleeding

My muscles are straining

And mentally,

I am going insane.

You seem to be just out of reach.

I can’t keep up.

Or it’s like I’m an animal

On a chain

And I am straining

Straining.

It is chafing my neck.

I am bleeding

And sore

And I cannot reach Your garments.

Come near to me, Lord.

Break the chain.

Bind up my wounds.

Heal me of so much more than my disease.

Heal me of the experience itself.

I know it is not correct

To view You as standing just

Out of reach

Taunting me as I fight against

My restraints.

You are not a God

Who stands far off

You are a God who comes near

Takes on flesh

Dwells among us

You are with me in the dirt

In my sweaty, straining,

Bloody state.

Why can’t I touch Your garments?

Why can’t I reach them?

What is it You want to heal me of?

What are You healing me of?

I am so aware of decay

Make me aware of life.

Don’t just allow me to touch Your garments

Swaddle me in them

Cover me

Make them a tent of safety.

The exhaustion

Oh the exhaustion

Be for me life, rest, peace

I am nearing the point

Where I can reach no further

Strain no more

We’re starring down barrenness

And yet I know barrenness

Is not Your thing.

Life Giver

Life Giver

Give me life.

I am not dying

I am getting well.

All of me is a sacrifice for Your glory.

The Lord giveth

The Lord taketh away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Where are the dead areas

That You are bringing to life?

I am separated

On the periphery

In the margins

An alien who has arrived on

Another planet

I do not understand the words

People are speaking

I do not dwell in their city

I am no longer welcome there

I am cut off

I have no pleasant, simple conversations left.

I speak of only heavy things

Alienating myself

Separated

The chasm growing wider

With each step

I have seen too much

To function in society

I cannot step outside of my body

I carry this with me

This is not who I am

I am full of life and light

But the illness seems all consuming

I need rest

And peace and healing

You ARE HEALER

PLEASE HEAL.

I am so tired

I’m not sure how much longer

I can keep straining

Keep fighting

Until I just

Pass out from exhaustion

People keep telling me

You will be strength in my weakness

But that means I am still weak

Carry me

Or heal me

Or sustain me

Or deliver me

Or allow me in some way to get through this

Exhaustion seems to be my

Closest companion

Be closer still, Jesus

Be closer still, my God.

People think I should feel

Something other than exhaustion

But they don’t know

What it is

To fight against this chain!

To spend my days

So desperately reaching.

You are not a God who shows restraint

In help

Or compassion

Or healing.

You took on flesh

And gave of your

Whole self

For me.

You do not stand just out of reach and

Mock me

You are not a shortage.

What does it mean

To sing

Of resurrection

And life

And be so aware

Of the death within

My own body?

I am hidden away.

In a separate world.

Behind a two way mirror

Watching everyone else

Live their lives

Unaware of my existence

I want to join them

In the world of naivety

I don’t know if I have it in me

To take another step forward

In this journey

Or to turn another page

I am staring down barrenness

Ugh

Barren

I hate that word.

I am a woman full of life

And full of the Holy Spirit

The ultimate Life

LIFE in capital letters

 

I am seen

You turn around

And call me daughter.

You lift me up out of the dust.

You unbuckle my shackles

And my fetters and my chains

You draw me to Yourself

The crowd

Is not a group of hostiles

Or indifferents

I am surrounded by friends

Who carry me to You

And with Your help

They help me stand

And they

Bandage up the places

Where deep wounds have formed

Put healing ointment on my hands

Bandage my wrists and my neck

All of you together

Whisper “keep going”

You lead me to a green pasture

And once again I find myself

On the ground

But this time

Resting in the cool grass

And instead of sharp gravel

My hands are full of soft dirt

And seeds

As we plant together

Choosing life,

Not death.

From the dust

Comes life