Spoken Word: Confessions

Here’s another poem! This one was put together using chunks of things that I’d written in my journals over the span of several months. When I put them together it all seemed to fit. Funny how God makes things work together like that. The video is me performing the piece at LifeLight, and the words are below.

You knit me together in my mother’s womb

Intricately created me

hazel eyes

brown hair

hands like my dad.

And You called me good.

And following You was like dancing.

Not the kind where you have to learn the steps.

But the kind where you just move

because there’s music playing.

Or like rolling down a grass covered hill

or laughing until

my sides hurt.

Running headlong

arms open

with utter abandon.

No one teaches a kid how to do these things.

It just makes sense to behave this way

when you’ve got life inside.

And I sang “Jesus Loves Me” with the rest of them

and never once doubted

because, why would I?

But, I grew up, I guess,

And I confess

it’s sometimes a chore

to get my heart and mind into the Word

other things are preferred.

And that’s my choice.

But then there’s Your voice.

Drawing me in

bringing me back again

You forgive my sin.

I want to flourish in the House of God

but mostly I feel like I’m flailing

And failing.

Like a writer who doesn’t write

a fighter who doesn’t fight

A lamp that doesn’t shine the Light

And so I say,

“Okay. I’ll try harder.”

In hopes that You’ll love me,

Even though

I know,

that’s not how it works.

My life is a series of starting over.

Of backsliding

and frontsliding

of glorious bursts of light

and burning out

of fading

and refocusing

of good intentions

and no follow-through

and of beginning anew.

I am a mess

most of the time

and You don’t seem to mind

which is pretty much amazing.

Knowing that I’m loved

even though I’m crazy

is what saves me

most days.

But fear plays,

tricks with my mind

and I find

myself doubting.

My heart seems stitched together

with anxiety and worry

which I know isn’t how You made me

But.

Life. Is. Scary.

And it’s not that I’m afraid You won’t carry

me.

but I’m scared of the stuff You’ll be

carrying me through.

Because I don’t want to have to trust You.

I just want things to be easy.

And sometimes You lead me

through things that make me anxious.

And I know I shouldn’t feel this way

because the Bible has a lot to say

about the lily

and the sparrow

and how you know

the hairs of my head

so I don’t need to dread

because You see the future.

I just wish I did too.

Or at least I think I do.

Because I have dreams

and hopes

and questions

and You have plans

and promises

and answers.

Although none of those things may be

what I expect.

You are faithful always

and I am faithless often.

I have a restless heart

and itchy feet

that can’t stay put for long

Striving to find contentment

without settling

feeling resentment

when I’m not where I want to be

yelling at the ceiling

“God, Thy will be done,

except if it’s this!”

You are so good

but sometimes life is not

and my mind can’t comprehend that thought

how those two things can both be true

I guess some secrets are only meant for You

to know

And it’s my job to follow

and focus not on what You’re doing

but on who You are

Not seek answers

but seek You first.

You keep every promise

and answer every prayer.

Your hearing is not selective

You just see things from eternity’s perspective

while my vision is much more narrow

This is not my show

And thank goodness for that because I don’t know

what I’m doing

So teach my how to sing

to You like when I was a kid.

I cannot name a time when You have not provided

or abided

or a time when You’ve changed

or not remained

Faithful beyond my circumstance.

so make following You more like a dance

again.

Make my heart come alive when

You whisper my name.

You’ve told me enough.

Teach me to rest,

because Your promise,

it stands

You won’t abandon

the work of Your hands.