Spoken Word: Depression (I Am Not Lost)

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced times of depression, or darkness, or heaviness in your life, but I certainly have. I started writing this several months ago, during a very dark season of my life. Hopefully it will be an encouragement to you if you’re going through some dark moments as well.

 

The world is broken

like a hand painted plate

crashed on my kitchen floor

sharp fragments lying everywhere

painful to touch

threatening to damage me

as I pick them up.

Oh the plans I had for this dish,

the dinner parties it was supposed to see.

It hurts,

In more ways than one

this brokenness.

My heart shattered into a million pieces

when that metaphorical plate hit the floor.

Created for wholeness,

a need for completeness written into my being

but right now I’m only seeing

fragments

and fractures.

The light shines in the darkness

and the darkness has not overcome it.

But sometimes, it seems like it overcomes me.

When all I can see

is night

and the weeping that comes with it.

longing for the joy of morning

but the only morning I see

are mourning clothes wrapped around me.

I wasn’t meant to carry

these burdens.

Because I am a vessel of light.

Not heaviness and weight and agony.

The struggle makes me

weary.

Darkness is a liar.

Making the familiar strange.

Trying to rearrange

the truth,

making it

Distorted

and contorted

and feel like prison.

I have to remember Who’s going to win

and is winning even now.

I will not fall into the pit.

I will not sit

quietly

while my mind is conquered

by the one to whom it does not belong.

Because the Lord God sings His song

over me

even now.

And this gives me hope.

A metaphorical rope

to hang on to.

Because I am not lost.

Even when an ocean of anxiety

threatens to drown me

from the inside out.

I am not lost.

Even when depression tries

to choke

the light just barely hanging on inside

and darkness feels all consuming

and disaster seems to be looming

around over corner

I am not lost.

Even when worrying

becomes as natural as breathing

and even when

whispers lie

and try

to tell me

that the weight

of my sin is so great

that not even the Son of God could carry it

that pieces were left behind for me to pick back up again,

carrying around this remnant of my sin

because,

how can He love me like He does?

Even still.

I AM NOT LOST.

Because I am under the authority of the

Ever Present God

who turns darkness into light

and makes day from night

and will always fight

for me.

It is completely

impossible to be lost

from the love of Christ Jesus

who frees us

to live in the light

instead of oppression

and regression

and depression.

Not even the depths can separate me from the love of God.

Because He’s there too.

To borrow from Psalms:

If I rise on the dawn,

If I, settle on the far side of the sea,

even there His hand will guide me.

I try to hide in the darkness

or rather it tries to hide me.

But God makes the night shine like the day.

It’s no match for His radiant glory.

God takes it’s ill purpose,

and writes a new story.

His Holy presence

makes the darkness light

and those who look to Him reflect it.

I was a barely flickering candle.

And now I’ve gone electric.

He brings me out of darkness

and the deepest gloom

and all that remains

are broken chains.

The light of the righteous shines brightly.

The key,

perhaps is remembering who exactly,

the God I serve is.

Strength in my weakness

He speaks this

over me. All sufficient grace.

The Christ who conquered darkness on the cross

so I can confidently say I AM NOT LOST.